Miscarriage Subculture
Cultural studies is the study of cultures created by "Strong relationship between social class, identity, and culture. As well as symbolic aspects of culture cannot be separated from infrastructure of a group relations, activities and contexts of a particular social location" (Two Traditions- CS Tradition PowerPoint). The "culture" created by miscarriages cannot be denied when using this definition. Women who have miscarried share a strong relationship through the experience and how they identify themselves as a women.
My Perspective
I cannot speak for every women who has miscarried; however, I can provide my perspective. After my miscarriage I was expected to go on with my life; however I was not ready. I blamed myself for the loss of my child. I knew that I must had done something wrong which caused the miscarriage and everyday I replayed my 12 week pregnancy trying to identify what I had done wrong. It is a mother's responsibility to protect their unborn child and therefore, I was the one to blame. I have found that every woman who has miscarried has blamed themselves and questioned why; however, most pregnancies that result in miscarriage are chromosomal complications which are in no way the mother's fault.
I returned to work two days after my miscarriage and was not ready for the looks and questions I received from my coworkers. I appreciated their condolences but I could not bare to even think about my miscarriage therefore, every "sorry" was a smack in the face that brought me back to my painful reality. The reality that I was running from every second of the day.
In the months to follow the miscarriage, thoughts of pregnancy milestones haunted me. Although I was no longer pregnant I found myself thinking about the day I would have found out my baby's gender and the birth. My due date brought great pain and emotions. I thought about what my child would have looked like whether or not he/she would have had blue eyes like myself or brown like my boyfriend. I thought about how big he/she would have been and the beautiful moment of meeting my baby for the first time. Mother's day is always painful, we are mothers in our heart and mind, but not in reality which is a process that I still have yet to conquer. I do not know how I am suppose to respond or behave on Mother's day. My mother bought me a butterfly necklace for mother's day and told me that I would always be a mother no matter what society says.
In April (5 months after my miscarriage) I received paperwork from the hospital who performed my D&C, The paperwork informed me that my fetus had been cremated and the ashes of my fetus and others would be buried at the local cemetery. On April 28 I attended my baby's funeral. The process was so hard; however, The support from my family and the other women attending the memorial helped me through the day. The memorial allowed me to talk to other women and understand that I was not alone and that women all around me were feeling the same pain that I was. I have asked many women about this process and whether they believe it would be easier or harder to have a grave to visit. I have received mixed reviews and am still not sure how I feel about it. Since April I have been to the grave three times. Going to the site brings a lot of memories and emotions back that I have worked so hard to suppress.
My sister was pregnant at the same time as I was and after the loss of my child, I could not help but to question why me and my baby. The birth of my nephew was beautiful but brought a pain and resentment that I was ashamed of. I was angry not at my sister or nephew but at the world for not being able to experience my child's birth. I have found that each time someone close to me becomes pregnant I relive my miscarriage and go through the process of blame and guilt all over again. I feel ashamed of my resentment and embarrassed at the fact that I ask myself why they are allowed to have their baby but I could not. After speaking to my mother about her miscarriages, I was relieved to know that she had done the same thing after her miscarriage.
Everyday is a new day and as time goes on the pain does become easier to deal with. I realized that I lost my child but I was still alive and my life would not stop while I tried to recover from the loss. Learning how to put on a smile and a brave face is the first thing I learned to do. It is a requirement in our culture if you want to live your life and not fall into a very deep depression. The smile will soon become real and enjoyment will return to your life in time; however, every day is a new day that can bring joy or painful memories back. The silliest and most random things will remind me of my pregnancy and time seems to be lost. On those days I cry at night and think about my beautiful baby I never got to meet. My mother who miscarried about 30 years ago says that she still thinks about who her child would be today. Birthdays are never forgotten and holidays always seem incomplete without this beautiful thing I created for a short 12 weeks.
Cultural Studies Perspective
As determined by the cultural studies theory, a subculture must share the same ideologies and symbolic aspects. In the miscarriage community, the women share the same pain and create a community to support them. This manmade community has lead to the creation of a subculture across the world.
On an everyday basis community members share the same ideologies and practices as I described above in my own perspective. The miscarriage community feels responsible for their babies' death as well as being alone. The biggest ideology shared in this community is the pressure to forget and the misunderstanding from the dominant culture. To quickly put it into perspective of what we go through daily in this subculture I found these steps on Facebook. (source unknown)
When I read through the steps I could not help but to cry uncontrollably. For the first time I could put a name to every emotion that I have felt over the last year of my life. Every women goes through their own process of healing after a miscarriage; however, as a subculture we all experience these same stages of emotions/pain and we must turn to our loved ones and those in our culture who understand our pain. The use of the
Heal program and blogs/forums allow our subculture to come together as a community.
Poem Created by Fellow Community Member
"Your little one cries too much.
My little one makes no sounds.
Your little one sleeps in a warm crib, mine lies in the ground.
Your little one wakes up today, my little one never will.
Your little one laughs and plays
My little one lies still.
Your little one makes you proud
But just as proud am I,
Cause your little one will learn to walk,
My little one can fly!"
